What a year this has been. I wrote my last post in May, back when we had the summer and outdoor socially distanced functions to look forward to. Since then, things have changed, and yet, they haven’t really.
Part of me would like to take this opportunity to lay out in detail what I believe about some of the things we’ve been dealing with: the pandemic, unrest, deepening political divides, disasters, and so much more. Part of me feels like it would be pointless.
I’ve been wrestling a lot this year. With my beliefs, especially politically, and how politics interacts with my faith. With what to do about racism in my country. With loneliness and isolation because of the pandemic. With how to help my students from the other side of a computer video chat, and how to help people affected by disasters like wildfires and hurricanes and war. There is so much. But I have done what could when I discovered a way to help in these areas.
I’ve also been trying to find the silver linings, the opportunities afforded by my current circumstances, or at least allowed by them. Almost every day, I’ve gotten a nice walk through a wooded park nearby. I finished writing a short story, had help from writer friends to revise it, and submitted it to a publisher. I’ve been working slowly through online guitar lessons. Over the spring and summer, I went to some beautiful outdoor places with friends and family. I’ve reconnected with some family and friends with Zoom game nights. And I have worked hard to make lessons for my students to get an education despite not being in a school building. I’m determined that this year will not have been wasted.
But it’s still been hard. I know my brain is stressed because I’m making the same dumb mistakes at work over and over again. I can’t seem to keep some things straight in my brain. And now I have grief to add to that; my “bonus grandma” (close friend’s grandma that I adopted long before my last grandparent passed away 10 years ago) recently died. I knew it was to be expected eventually. But it’s still sad, because she was the nicest grandma I ever had, and I’m sad for my friend and her family who are all going through a lot. And my friend and former coworker Meranda died of cancer this summer. Praying for her family and friends as well during this holiday season.
A friend wrote in her most recent blog post that despite the enormity of everything, she feels that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I am hanging onto that. Hanging onto hope. Despite the despair around me, I believe that God still loves us and is still guiding us.
This journey of life is hard sometimes. I feel like I’m wandering in the wilderness, and I don’t mean a scenic National Park wilderness with a sturdy trail. I mean wandering through tough terrain with only a compass. But I will press on, seeking God’s guidance constantly. Thank you for joining me in this journey.
The Compass Rose Queen 